─ 江林月嬌 ─摘自《母親，人生戲曲的第一要角》
─ 江林月嬌 ─
─ 江林月嬌 ─
─ 江林月嬌 ─
─ 江林月嬌 ─
De Crescenzo ) 的名言：「我們都是單翼的天使；唯有彼此擁抱，才能展翅飛翔。」
As Luciano De
Crescenzo’s famed axiom says:
We are each of us
angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing
The intimate relationship between husband and wife resembles the constant
contact between the mouth and the lip. It is frequent and inter-dependent.
Art of Argument
Stephen Tong defines the altercations between husband and wife as: “Big
altercation is disastrous, small altercation is normal, no altercation
is a mythology.”
Since small altercation is unavoidable, rules should be laid down before
agitated conflicts worsen and revealed the ugliest side of our spouse at
the expense of our own.
we also keep in mind that uncontrolled anger would hurt our livers, then
setting up rules for altercations is actually protective to our health.
Some basic understandings couples need to have about “the
art of altercation” before conflicts arise:
The one who says “ I
am sorry, I ….” and “I apologize, I….” first is the one who has mature
The volume of our
voice has no bearing on the justification of our reasoning.
In marital conflict, there is no such a thing as a winner and a loser.
Cold war and
heated fight have the same lethal, damaging power.
The understanding and
forgiving attitude would induce the excretion of our partner’s endorphin as a
result of his/her gratitude.
to the Root of the Issue
and irritation can be aroused by several causes:
frustration: When one’s hard-work is being neglected or not being
acknowledged, it is easy to feel down.
A Superman, Mr. Do-it-All mentality tends to cause one to fall into a
Slough of Burnout, feeling deflated at times.
depression: This is when one is upset at himself. Due to an
unrealistically high goal one sets for himself, he feels self-defeated.
No matter how hard he tries, he can only reach a much lower level than
he wishes to achieve.
A competitive spirit:
The individual always wants to compare himself with his peers. But when
he compares with ones superior than him, he feels defeated, and when he
compares with someone inferior to him, he does not feel fulfilled. No
matter what, he cannot win. This desire to beat others makes him feel
agitated and hostile.
Physiological symptoms: sleep deprived, impatient, feeling starved,
irritable, fluctuation of hormonal levels, feeling anxious and nervous.
individual is addicted to work. He is restless when he is not working.
could be whatever would help his promotion, or having more power by
gleaning more riches, and being popular.
These workaholics are seldom home. They are
seldom involved in doing chores when they are at home.
生氣的選擇 The Choices of Outlet for Anger
憤怒式的生氣：大吼大叫、口不擇言、咬牙切齒、指桑罵槐。 Blow up Mode:
Shout and holler, bullet-spitting, unselective in words, teeth gritting,
insinuating other’s faults.
Mode: slapping the table, throwing dishes, slapping face, kicking and
Mode: Slowly mulling over and seeking to bring up the issue. Like playing
Ping-Pong, the individual is attempting to get the communication ball
bouncing back and forth with one’s spouse.
Consuming Mode: Physical consumption type: The angry party
seeks to use physical outlet to get rid of the anger through swimming, jogging,
consumtion type: Some people might get a shopping spree like a headless fly. Sometimes it can become a full-bloomed addiction called “shoperholic”.
to Diffuse Anger
you discover the fire of anger rising up from inside, becoming a bit
uncontrollable, try to get to the yard for some gardening work, or go
jogging, playing tennis if the weather is nice outdoor. In rainy or
snowy days, take out the vacuum or mop to clean the house, or reorganize
your files, photos, videotapes, or do some aerobic exercises.
to reduce the explosive energy in you so that at least 70% of the anger
is toned down. Sometimes you can avoid venting the uncontrolled anger
on your spouse when your physical energy is half-drained.
acknowledge your tendency of volatile anger, physical attack, or losing
mental control can help you to plan to leave the scene of conflict before it
under the same roof with an irritable spouse should caution one to avoid
using provocative languages. Pushing emotional buttons would only add
fuels to the fire.
Rules for Altercations
always…） Taboos: Never
say: “ You always….”
Never say: “You never…”
Do not beat the
dead horse and rehash the old grudges. Even though sometimes conflicts could
bring back the memories of old grudges, holding on the former offenses of our
spouse would only result in raised hair, loud volume, gritting teeth or angry
Avoid to step on the landmine that would restart a fight—accusation. Try to
focus on the description of your own inner situations, thoughts or feelings.
Allow your spouse to penetrate into your emotion and mind through your sharing.
Take a deep breath and give the other person a chance to
talk. Remember: relentless ballistic missile in words would only scare the
other person and exhaust yourselves.
“Home, is not a battlefield for reason but a place for love” should be the
magic key to diffuse all conflicts. Before you get into fight, both sides
should first take off your arms, and bare yourself of your true heart. Allow
your genuine self be seen.
For many years, I struggled to get
my magic trick to do its work for me without success, and gradually I realized
it was because I misused my self-will and led a very self-centered life for many
years. This actually only served to push my husband away from me. Hiding my own
sins and folly is my natural tendency. I was very good at using this tactic to
protect myself. But since the beginning of mankind, this is the culprit for the
wars between men and women. Finger-pointing at others and shunning
responsibilities would not help couples to be truthful to each other. In this
situation, we are all reduced to hatred. It takes a lot of learning to love so
that we can walk with oneness of heart for the whole life.
Angel with One Wing
Understand one’s own shortcomings and flaws through the conflict with
one’s most intimate life partner can contribute positively to the development of
5 Love Languages解說〉之需求。
Because of your love for your husband, praise him and affirm
his leadership position in your home as the head of the household. For the sake
of your wife’s happiness, embrace her and fulfill her with her type of love
language. (Please refer to the book “The Five Love Languages” for the
When we have frictions with our most intimate bedmate, it
only helps us to realize the value of this age-old saying “Argue on one end of
the bed, but agree on the other end of bed.” If at all possible, seek to forgive
as we are forgiven. This could be a path of growth for our own interpersonal
( Luciano De Crescenzo )
Marriage merges two people who are
from totally different backgrounds ,diverse thinking styles, opposite characters
and temperaments. Life becomes more colorful and creative. Home can be heaven on
earth, when harmony is there. Like what Luciano de Crescenzo said: ”
We are each
of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.”
Reckless words pierce
like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18)
~ 20) Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to
become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God
desires. (James 1:19-20)
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